A Scandal in Belgravia
SHERLOCK: Who are you?
MORIARTY: Jim Moriarty. Hi.
SHERLOCK: Consulting criminal.
MORIARTY: I have loved this, this little game of ours.
SHERLOCK: People have died.
MORIARTY: That’s what people do!
SHERLOCK: I will stop you.
MORIARTY: If you don’t stop prying, I’ll burn you. I’ll burn the heart out of you.
SHERLOCK: Catch you later.
MORIARTY: No, you won’t!
MORIARTY: Sorry, boys! I’m so changeable! It is a weakness with me, but to be fair to myself, it is my only weakness. You can’t be allowed to continue. You just can’t. I would try to convince you, but everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.
SHERLOCK: Probably my answer has crossed yours.
(MOBILE PHONE PLAYING STAYIN’ ALIVE)
MORIARTY: Do you mind if I get that?
SHERLOCK: Oh no, please. You’ve got the rest of your life.
MORIARTY: (ON PHONE) Hello? Yes of course it is. What do you want? (MOUTHING) ‘Sorry.’
SHERLOCK: (MOUTHING) ‘Oh, fine.’
MORIARTY: (ON PHONE) Say that again! Say that again and know that if your lying to me, I will find you and I will skin you. Wait. Sorry, wrong day to die.
SHERLOCK: Oh. Did you get a better offer?
MORIARTY: You’ll be hearing from me, Sherlock. (ON PHONE) So, if you have what you say you have, I will make you rich. If you don’t, I’ll make you into shoes. (SNAPS FINGERS)
JOHN: What happened there?
SHERLOCK: Someone changed his mind. Question is, who?
I.ADLER: Well now, have you been wicked, your highness?
WOMAN: Yes, Miss Adler.
221B BAKER STREET
SHERLOCK: What are you typing?
JOHN: A blog.
SHERLOCK: You mean me.
SHERLOCK: Well, you’re typing a lot. (BELL RINGS) Right, then. So, what have we got?
MAN: My wife seems to be spending a very long time at the office.
WOMAN: I think my husband might be having an affair.
MAN: She’s not my real aunt, she’s been replaced. I know she has. I know human ash.
MAN: We are prepared to offer any sum of money you care to mention for the recovery of these files.
MAN: We have this website, it explains the true meaning of comic books, ‘cause people miss a lot of the themes. Uh, but then all the comic books started coming true.
SHERLOCK: Oh, interesting.
SHERLOCK: “Geek Interpreter”, what’s that?
JOHN: That’s the title.
SHERLOCK: What does it need a title for?
SHERLOCK: Do people actually read your blog?
JOHN: Where do you think our clients come from?
SHERLOCK: I have a website.
JOHN: In which you enumerate 240 different types of tobacco ash. Nobody’s reading your website. Right, then, dyed blond hair, no obvious cause of death except for these speckles, whatever they are.
221B BAKER STREET
SHERLOCK: Oh, for God’s sakes!
SHERLOCK: “The Speckled Blonde”?
GIRL: They wouldn’t let us see Granddad when he was dead. Is that ‘cause he’d gone to heaven?
SHERLOCK: People really don’t go to heaven when they die, they’re taken to a special room and burned.
DI LESTRADE: There was a plane crash in Dusseldorf yesterday. Everyone dead.
SHERLOCK: Suspected terrorist bomb. We do watch the news.
JOHN: You said boring and turned over.
DI LESTRADE: Well, according to the flight details, this man was checked in on board. Inside his coat he’s got a stub from his boarding pass, napkins from the flight, even one of those special biscuits. Here’s his passport, stamped in Berlin airport. So this man should have died in a plane crash in Germany yesterday, but instead he’s in a car boot in Southwark.
JOHN: Lucky escape.
DI LESTRADE: Any ideas?
SHERLOCK: Eight, so far. Okay, four ideas. Maybe two ideas.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no, don’t mention the unsolved ones.
JOHN: People want to know you’re human.
JOHN: Because they’re interested.
SHERLOCK: No, they’re not. Why are they?
JOHN: Hmm, look at that. One thousand, eight hundred and ninety-five.
SHERLOCK: Sorry, what?
JOHN: I reset that counter last night. This blog has had nearly 2,000 hits in the last eight hours. This is your living, Sherlock. Not 240 different types of tobacco ash.
SHERLOCK: Two hundred and forty-three.
SHERLOCK: So, what’s this one? “Bellybutton Murders”?
JOHN: “The Navel Treatment”?
DI LESTRADE: There’s a lot of press outside, guys.
SHERLOCK: Well, they won’t be interested in us.
DI LESTRADE: Yeah, that was before you were an internet phenomenon. Couple of them specifically wanted photographs of you two.
SHERLOCK: For God’s sake! John.
SHERLOCK: Cover your face and walk fast.
DI LESTRADE: Still, it’s good for the public image, big case like this.
SHERLOCK: I’m a private detective, the last thing I need is a public image!
I.ADLER: Hello. I think it’s time, don’t you?
221B BAKER STREET
MRS HUDSON: Oh! (OPENS FRIDGE) Ugh! Oh… Oh, dear! Thumbs?
MAN: The door was… The door was…
MRS HUDSON: Boys! You’ve got another one! Oh…
SHERLOCK: Tell us from the start. Don’t be boring.
MAN: Hey, are you okay? Excuse me! Are you all right?
POLICE MAN: Sir, phone call for you.
CARTER: (ON PHONE) Carter.
DI LESTRADE: Have you heard of Sherlock Holmes?
DI LESTRADE: Well, you’re about to meet him now. This is your case, it’s entirely up to you, this is just friendly advice, but give Sherlock five minutes on your crime scene and listen to everything that he has to say. And as far as possible, try not to punch him.
POLICE MAN: Okay. Sir, this gentleman says he needs to speak to you.
CARTER: Yes, I know. Sherlock Holmes.
JOHN: John Watson. Are you set up for Wi-Fi?
JOHN: You realise this is a tiny bit humiliating?
SHERLOCK: It’s okay, I’m fine. Now, show me to the stream.
JOHN: I didn’t really mean for you.
SHERLOCK: Look, this is a six. There’s no point in my leaving the flat for anything less than a seven, we agreed. Now, go back, show me the grass.
JOHN: When did we agree that?
SHERLOCK: We agreed it yesterday. Stop. Closer.
JOHN: I wasn’t even at home yesterday, I was in Dublin.
SHERLOCK: It’s hardly my fault you weren’t listening. (DOORBELL RINGS) Shut up!
JOHN: You just carry on talking when I’m away?
SHERLOCK: I don’t know, how often are you away? Now, show me the car that backfired.
JOHN: It’s there.
SHERLOCK: That’s the one that made the noise, yes?
JOHN: Yeah. If you’re thinking gunshot, there wasn’t one. He wasn’t shot, he was killed by a single blow to the back of the head from a blunt instrument, which then magically disappeared, along with the killer. It’s got to be an eight, at least.
CARTER: You’ve got two more minutes, they want to know more about the driver.
SHERLOCK: Oh, forget him, he’s an idiot. Why else would he think himself a suspect?
CARTER: I think he’s a suspect.
SHERLOCK: Pass me over.
JOHN: All right, but there’s a mute button, and I will use it.
SHERLOCK: Up a bit! I’m not talking from down here!
JOHN: OK, just take it, take it.
SHERLOCK: Having driven to an isolated location and successfully committed a crime without a single witness, why would he then call the police and consult a detective? Fair play?
CARTER: He’s trying to be clever. It’s over-confidence.
SHERLOCK: Did you see him? Morbidly obese, the undisguised halitosis of single man living on his own. The right sleeve of an internet porn addict and the breathing pattern of an untreated heart condition, low self-esteem, tiny IQ and a limited life expectancy and you think he’s an audacious criminal mastermind? Don’t worry, this is just stupid.
MAN: What did you say? Heart what?
SHERLOCK: Go to the stream.
CARTER: What’s in the stream?
SHERLOCK: Go and see.
MRS HUDSON: Sherlock! You weren’t answering the doorbell.
MAN1: His room’s through the back, get him some clothes.
SHERLOCK: Who the hell are you?
MAN1: Sorry, Mr Holmes…
JOHN: Sherlock, what’s going on? What’s happening?
MAN1: You’re coming with us.
JOHN: Sorry, I’ve lost him. I don’t know what…
POLICE MAN: Dr Watson. It’s for you.
JOHN: OK. Thanks.
POLICE MAN: No, sir. The helicopter.
MAN1: Please, Mr Holmes, where you’re going you’ll want to be dressed.
Small dog/ Two small dogs/ Three small dogs
SHERLOCK: I know exactly where I’m going.
JOHN: Are you wearing any pants?
(JOHN AND SHERLOCK LAUGHS)
JOHN: At Buckingham Palace. Right. I’m seriously fighting an impulse to steal an ash tray. What are we doing here, Sherlock? Seriously, what?
SHERLOCK: I don’t know.
JOHN: Here to see the queen?
SHERLOCK: Oh, apparently, yes.
MYCROFT: Just once can you two behave like grownups?
JOHN: We solve crimes, I blog about it and he forgets his pants. I wouldn’t hold out too much hope.
SHERLOCK: I was in the middle of a case, Mycroft.
MYCROFT: What, the hiker and the backfire? I glanced at the police report, a bit obvious, surely?
MYCROFT: Time to move on, then. (CLEARS THROAT) We are in Buckingham Palace, at the very heart of the British nation. Sherlock Holmes, put your trousers on!
SHERLOCK: What for?
MYCROFT: Your client.
SHERLOCK: And my client is?
HARRY: Illustrious, in the extreme. And remaining, I have to inform you, entirely anonymous. Mycroft.
MYCROFT: Harry. May I just apologise for the state of my little brother?
HARRY: A full time occupation, I imagine. And this must be Dr John Watson, formerly of the Fifth Northumberland Fusiliers?
JOHN: Hello, yes.
HARRY: My employer is a tremendous fan of your blog.
JOHN: Your employer?
HARRY: Particularly enjoyed the one about the aluminium crutch.
JOHN: Thank you.
HARRY: And Mr Holmes the younger, you look taller in your photographs.
SHERLOCK: I take the precaution of a good coat and a short friend. Mycroft, I don’t do anonymous clients. I’m used to mystery at one end of my cases both ends is too much work. Good morning.
MYCROFT: This is a matter of national importance. Grow up!
SHERLOCK: Get off my sheet!
MYCROFT: Or what?
SHERLOCK: Or I’ll just walk away.
MYCROFT: I’ll let you.
JOHN: Boys, please. Not here.
SHERLOCK: Who is my client?
MYCROFT: Take a look at where you’re standing and make a deduction. You are to be engaged by the highest in the land. Now for God’s sake! Put your clothes on!
MYCROFT: I’ll be mother.
SHERLOCK: And there is a whole childhood in a nutshell.
HARRY: My employer has a problem.
MYCROFT: A matter has come to light of an extremely delicate and potentially criminal nature and in this hour of need, dear brother, your name has arisen.
SHERLOCK: Why? We have a police force of sorts, even a marginally secret service. Why come to me?
HARRY: People do come to you for help, don’t they, Mr Holmes?
SHERLOCK: Not to date anyone with a navy.
MYCROFT: This is a matter of the highest security and therefore of trust.
JOHN: You don’t trust your own secret service?
MYCROFT: Naturally not. They all spy on people for money.
HARRY: I do think we have a timetable.
MYCROFT: Yes, of course. What do you know about this woman?
SHERLOCK: Nothing whatsoever.
MYCROFT: Then you should be paying more attention. She’s been at the centre of two political scandals in the last year and recently ended the marriage of a prominent novelist, by having an affair with both participants separately.
SHERLOCK: You know I don’t concern myself with trivia. Who is she?
MYCROFT: Irene Adler, professionally known as The Woman.
MYCROFT: There are many names for what she does, she prefers “dominatrix”.
MYCROFT: Don’t be alarmed. It’s to do with sex.
SHERLOCK: Sex doesn’t alarm me.
MYCROFT: How would you know? She provides, shall we say, recreational scolding for those who enjoy that sort of thing and are prepared to pay for it. These are all from her website.
SHERLOCK: And I assume this Adler woman has some compromising photographs?
HARRY: You’re very quick, Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Hardly a difficult deduction. Photographs of whom?
HARRY: A person of significance to my employer. We’d prefer not to say any more at this time.
JOHN: You can’t tell us anything?
MYCROFT: I can tell you it’s a young person. A young female person.
SHERLOCK: How many photographs?
MYCROFT: A considerable number, apparently.
SHERLOCK: Do Miss Adler and this young female person appear in these photographs together?
MYCROFT: Yes, they do.
SHERLOCK: And I assume in a number of compromising scenarios?
MYCROFT: An imaginative range, we are assured.
SHERLOCK: John, you might want to put that cup back in your saucer now.
HARRY: Can you help us, Mr Holmes?
HARRY: Will you take the case?
SHERLOCK: What case? Pay her, now and in full. As Miss Adler remarks in her masthead, know when you are beaten.
MYCROFT: She doesn’t want anything. She got in touch, she informed us that the photographs existed, she indicated that she had no intention to use them to extort either money or favour.
SHERLOCK: Oh, a power play. A power play with the most powerful family in Britain. Now, that is a dominatrix. Ooh, this is getting rather fun, isn’t it?
SHERLOCK: Where is she?
MYCROFT: Uh, in London, currently. She’s staying…
SHERLOCK : Text me the details. I’ll be in touch by the end of the day.
HARRY: Do you really think you’ll have news by then?
SHERLOCK: No, I think I’ll have the photographs.
HARRY: One can only hope you’re as good as you seem to think.
Left Side Of Bed
SHERLOCK: I’ll need some equipment, of course.
MYCROFT: Anything you require, I’ll have it sent over.
SHERLOCK: Can I have a box of matches?
HARRY: I’m sorry?
SHERLOCK: Or your cigarette lighter, either will do.
HARRY: I don’t smoke.
SHERLOCK: No, I know you don’t, but your employer does.
HARRY: We have kept a lot of people successfully in the dark about this little fact, Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK: I’m not the Commonwealth.
JOHN: And that’s as modest as he gets. Pleasure to meet you.
JOHN: OK, the smoking, how did you know?
SHERLOCK: The evidence was right under your nose, John, as ever you see but do not observe.
JOHN: Observe what?
SHERLOCK: The ashtray.
I.ADLER: Kate? We’re going to have a visitor. I’ll need a bit of time to get ready.
KATE: A long time?
I.ADLER: Hmm, ages.
JOHN: What are you doing?
SHERLOCK: I’m going into battle, John, I need the right armour. No.
KATE: Works for me.
I.ADLER: Everything works on you.
JOHN: So, what’s the plan?
SHERLOCK: We know her address.
JOHN: We just ring her doorbell?
SHERLOCK: Exactly. Just here, please.
JOHN: You didn’t even change your clothes.
SHERLOCK: Then it’s time to add a splash of colour.
JOHN: Are we here?
SHERLOCK: Two streets away, but this will do.
JOHN: For what?
SHERLOCK: Punch me in the face.
JOHN: Punch you?
SHERLOCK: Yes, punch me in the face. Didn’t you hear me?
JOHN: I always hear “punch me in the face” when you’re speaking, but it’s usually sub-text.
SHERLOCK: Oh, for God’s sakes!
JOHN: Oh! Ow!
SHERLOCK: Thank you, that was, that was… OK, I think we’re done now, John.
JOHN: You want to remember, Sherlock, I was a soldier. I killed people.
SHERLOCK: You were a doctor!
JOHN: I had bad days!
KATE: What are you going to wear?
I.ADLER: My battledress.
KATE: Ooh, lucky boy.
(DOORBELL RINGS) (INTERCOM BEEPING)
SHERLOCK: Oh, um, sorry to disturb you. Um, I’ve just been attacked. Um, and I think they, they took my wallet and, um, and my phone. Um, please, could you help me?
KATE: I can phone the police if you want.
SHERLOCK: Thank you, thank you. Could you please? Er, would you mind if I just waited here, just until they come? Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you. Oh.
JOHN: I saw it all happen. It’s OK, I’m a doctor. Now, have you got a first aid kit?
KATE: In the kitchen. Please.
JOHN: Thank you.
SHERLOCK: Oh, thank you.
I.ADLER: Hello, sorry to hear that you’ve been hurt. I don’t think Kate caught your name?
SHERLOCK: I’m so sorry, I’m…
I.ADLER: Oh, it’s always hard to remember an alias when you’ve had a fright. Isn’t it? There now, we’re both defrocked. Mr Sherlock Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Miss Adler, I presume?
I.ADLER: Look at those cheekbones. I could cut myself slapping that face. Would you like me to try?
JOHN: Right, this should do it. I’ve missed something, haven’t I?
I.ADLER: Please, sit down. Or if you’d like some tea, I can call the maid.
SHERLOCK: I had some at the Palace.
I.ADLER: I know.
JOHN: I had a tea, too, at the Palace. If anyone’s interested.
Two Day Shirt
Electric not blade
Hasn’t phoned sister
New tooth brush
Night out with Stamford
I.ADLER: Do you know the big problem with a disguise, Mr Holmes? However hard to try, it’s always a self-portrait.
SHERLOCK: You think I’m a vicar with a bleeding face?
I.ADLER: No, I think you’re damaged, delusional and believe in a higher powers. In your case, it’s yourself. Hmm, and somebody loves you. If I had to punch that face, I’d avoid your nose and teeth too.
JOHN: (LAUGHS DRYLY) Could you put something on, please? Er, anything at all, a napkin?
I.ADLER: Why? Are you feeling exposed?
SHERLOCK: I don’t think John knows where to look.
I.ADLER: No, I think he knows exactly where. I’m not sure about you.
SHERLOCK: If I want to look at naked woman, I borrow John’s laptop.
JOHN: You do borrow my laptop.
SHERLOCK: I confiscate it.
I.ADLER: Well, never mind, we’ve got better things to talk about. Now, tell me, I need to know. How was it done?
I.ADLER: The hiker with the bashed-in head, how was he killed?
SHERLOCK: That’s not why I’m here.
I.ADLER: No, no, no, you’re here for the photographs, but that’s never going to happen. And since we’re here just chatting anyway…
JOHN: That story’s not been on the news yet, how do you know about it?
I.ADLER: I know one of the policemen. Well, I know what he likes.
JOHN: Oh. And you like policemen?
I.ADLER: I like detective stories. And detectives. Brainy’s the new sexy.
SHERLOCK: Position of the car… Uh, the position of the car relative to the hiker at the time of the backfire, that and the fact that the death blow was to the back of the head, that’s all you need to know.
I.ADLER: OK, tell me, how was he murdered?
SHERLOCK: He wasn’t.
I.ADLER: You don’t think it was murder?
SHERLOCK: I know it wasn’t.
SHERLOCK: The same way that I know the victim was an excellent sportsman, recently returned from foreign travel and the photographs I’m looking for are in this room.
I.ADLER: OK, but how?
SHERLOCK: So, they are in this room. Thank you. John, man the door. Let no one in.
SHERLOCK: Two men alone in the countryside, several yards apart and one car.
I.ADLER: Oh, I… I thought you were looking for the photos now.
SHERLOCK: No, no, looking takes ages, I’m just going to find them but you’re moderately clever and we’ve got moment, so let’s pass the time. Two men, a car and nobody else. Driver’s trying to fix his engine. Getting nowhere. And the hiker is taking a moment, looking at the sky. Watching the birds? Any moment now, something’s going to happen. What?
I.ADLER: The hiker’s going to die.
SHERLOCK: No, that’s the result. What’s going to happen?
I.ADLER: I don’t understand.
SHERLOCK: Oh, well, try to.
SHERLOCK: Because you cater to the whims of the pathetic and take your clothes off to make an impression. Stop boring me and think. It’s the new sexy.
I.ADLER: The car is going to backfire.
SHERLOCK: There’s going to be a loud noise.
I.ADLER: So what?
SHERLOCK: Oh, noises are important. Noises can tell you everything. For instance…
(SMOKE ALARM RINGING)
SHERLOCK: Thank you. On hearing a smoke alarm, a mother would look towards her child. Amazing how fire exposes our priorities. I really hope you don’t have a baby in here. All right, John, you can turn it off now. I said you can turn it off now.
JOHN: Give me a minute. Thank you.
SHERLOCK: Hmm. You should always use gloves with these things, you know. Heaviest oil deposit is always on the first key used. That’s quite clearly a three, but after that the sequence is almost impossible to read. I see from the make that it’s a six-digit code. It can’t be your birthday, no disrespect, but clearly you were born in the ‘80s and 8’s barely used, so…
I.ADLER: I’d tell you the code right now, but you know what? I already have. Think.
AMERICAN: Hands behind your head, on the floor, keep it still!
JOHN: Sorry, Sherlock.
AMERICAN: Miss Adler, on the floor!
SHERLOCK: Don’t you want me on the floor too?
AMERICAN: No, sir, I want you to open the safe.
SHERLOCK: American, interesting. Why would you care?
AMERICAN: Sir, the safe, now, please.
SHERLOCK: I don’t know the code.
AMERICAN: We’ve been listening, she said she told you.
SHERLOCK: Well, if you’ve been listening, you’ll know she didn’t.
AMERICAN: I’m assuming I missed something. From your reputation, I’m assuming you didn’t Mr Holmes.
JOHN: For God’s sake, she’s the one who knows the code, ask her!
AMERICAN: Yes, sir, she also knows the code that automatically calls the police and sets off the burglar alarm. I’ve learned not to trust this woman.
I.ADLER: Mr Holmes doesn’t…
AMERICAN: Shut up! One more word out of you, just one, and I will decorate that wall with the insides of your head. That, for me, will not be hardship. Mr Archer, at the count of three, shoot Dr Watson.
SHERLOCK: I don’t know the code.
SHERLOCK: I don’t know the code. She didn’t tell me, I don’t know it!
AMERICAN: I’m prepared to believe you, any second now. Three.
SHERLOCK: No, stop!
(KEY CODE) 322434
AMERICAN: Thank you Mr Holmes. Open it, please.
SHERLOCK: Vatican cameos! Do you mind?
I.ADLER: Not at all.
JOHN: He’s dead.
I.ADLER: Thank you. You were very observant.
I.ADLER: I’m flattered.
SHERLOCK: Don’t be.
SHERLOCK: There’ll be more of them, they’ll be keeping an eye on the building.
JOHN: We should call the police.
SHERLOCK: Yes. (GUN SHOT) On their way.
JOHN: For God’s sake!
SHERLOCK: Oh, shut up, it’s quick. Check the rest of the house, see how they got in. Well, that’s the knighthood in the bag.
I.ADLER: Oh, and that’s mine.
SHERLOCK: All the photographs are on here, I presume?
I.ADLER: I have copies, of course.
SHERLOCK: No, you don’t. You’ll have permanently disabled any kind of uplink or connection. Unless the contents of this phone are probably unique, you wouldn’t be able to sell them.
I.ADLER: Who said I’m selling?
SHERLOCK: Well, why would they be interested? Whatever’s on the phone, it’s clearly not just photographs.
I.ADLER: That camera phone is my life, Mr Holmes. I die before you take it. It’s my protection.
SHERLOCK: It was.
JOHN: Must have come in this way.
JOHN: It’s all right, she’s just out cold.
I.ADLER: Well God knows, she’s used to that. There’s a back door. Better check it, Dr Watson.
SHERLOCK: You’re very calm. Well, your booby trap did just kill a man.
I.ADLER: He would have killed me. It was self-defence in advance.
SHERLOCK: What… what is that? What…
I.ADLER: Give it to me. Now, give it to me.
I.ADLER: Give it to me.
SHERLOCK: Ah! No.
I.ADLER: Oh, for goodness’ sake! Drop it! I said drop it! Ah, thank you dear. Now, tell that sweet little posh thing the pictures are safe with me. They’re not for blackmail, just for insurance. Besides, I might want to see you again. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s been a pleasure, don’t spoil it. This is how I want you to remember me, the woman who beat you. Goodnight, Mr Sherlock Holmes.
JOHN: Jesus! What are you doing?
I.ADLER: He’ll sleep for a few hours. Make sure he doesn’t choke on his own vomit, it makes for a very unattractive corpse.
JOHN: What’s this? What have you given him? Sherlock?
I.ADLER: He’ll be fine. I’ve used it on loads of my friends.
JOHN: Sherlock, can you hear me?
I.ADLER: You know, I was wrong about him. He did know where to look.
JOHN: For what? What are you talking about?
I.ADLER: The key-code to my safe.
JOHN: What was it?
I.ADLER: Shall I tell him? My measurements.
I.ADLER: Got it!
I.ADLER: (SHUSHING) No, don’t get up. I’ll do the talking. So the car’s about to backfire and the hiker, he’s staring at the sky. No, you said he could be watching birds, but he wasn’t, was he? He was watching another kind of flying thing. The car backfires and the hiker turns to look. Which was his big mistake. By the time the driver looks up, the hiker is already dead. What he doesn’t see is what killed him, because it’s already being washed downstream. An accomplished sportsman recently returned from foreign travel with a boomerang. You got that from one look? Definitely the new sexy.
SHERLOCK: I… I…
I.ADLER: Hush now, it’s OK. I’m only returning your coat.
221B BAKER STREET
SHERLOCK: John? John!
JOHN: You OK?
SHERLOCK: How did I get here?
JOHN: Well, I don’t suppose you remember much, you weren’t making a lot of sense. Oh, I should warn you, I think Lestrade filmed you on his phone.
SHERLOCK: Where is she?
JOHN: Where’s who?
SHERLOCK: The woman, that woman.
JOHN: What woman?
SHERLOCK: The woman! The woman woman!
JOHN: Oh, Irene Adler? She got away, no one saw her. She wasn’t here, Sherlock. What are you… What? No, no, no. No. Back to bed. You’ll be fine in the morning. Just sleep.
SHERLOCK: Of course I’ll be fine, I am fine. I’m absolutely fine.
JOHN: Yes, you’re great. Now, I’ll be next door if you need me.
SHERLOCK: Why would I need you?
JOHN: No reason at all.
(TEXT MESSAGE) Till the next time, Mr. Holmes
SHERLOCK: The photographs are perfectly safe.
MYCROFT: In the hands of a fugitive sex worker?
SHERLOCK: She’s not interested in blackmail. She wants…protection, for some reason. I take it you’ve stood down the police investigation into the shooting at her house?
MYCROFT: How can we do anything while she has the photographs? Our hands are tied.
SHERLOCK: She’d applaud your choice of words. You see how this works, that camera-phone is her get-out-of-jail-free card. You have to leave her alone. Treat her like royalty, Mycroft.
JOHN: Though not the way she treats royalty.
(WOMAN MOANS AS MESSAGE TONE)
JOHN: What was that?
JOHN: But what was that noise?
SHERLOCK: Did you know there were other people after her, too, Mycroft, before you sent John and I in there?
(TEXT MESSAGE) Good morning, Mr. Holmes
SHERLOCK: CIA trained killers, I think excellent guess.
JOHN: Yeah, thanks for that, Mycroft.
MRS HUDSON: It’s a disgrace, sending your little brother into danger like that. Family is all we have in the end, Mycroft Holmes!
MYCROFT: Oh, shut up, Mrs Hudson!
MRS HUDSON: Thank you.
SHERLOCK: Though do, in fact, shut up.
MRS HUDSON: Oh, it’s a bit rude, that noise, isn’t it?
(TEXT MESSAGE) Feeling better?
SHERLOCK: There’s nothing you can do and nothing she will do as far as I can see.
MYCROFT: I can put maximum surveillance on her.
SHERLOCK: Why bother? You can follow her on Twitter. I believe her username is TheWhipHand.
MYCROFT: Yes, most amusing. (MOBILE RINGS) Excuse me. (ON PHONE) Hello?
JOHN: Why does your phone make that noise?
SHERLOCK: What noise?
JOHN: That noise, the one it just made.
SHERLOCK: It’s text alert, it means I’ve got a text.
JOHN: Hmm. Your texts don’t usually make that noise.
SHERLOCK: Well, somebody got hold of the phone and apparently as a joke, personalised their text alert noise.
JOHN: Hmm, so every time they text you…
SHERLOCK: It would seem so.
MRS HUDSON: Could you turn that phone down a bit? At my time of life it’s…
(TEXT MESSAGE) I’m fine since you didn’t ask
JOHN: See, I’m wondering who could have got hold of your phone, because it would have been in your coat, wouldn’t it?
SHERLOCK: I’ll leave you to your deductions.
JOHN: I’m not stupid, you know.
SHERLOCK: Where do you get that idea?
MYCROFT: Bond air is go, that’s decided. Check with the Coventry lot. Talk later.
SHERLOCK: What else does she have? Irene Adler. The Americans wouldn’t be interested in her for a couple of compromising photographs. There’s more. Much more. Something big’s coming, isn’t it?
MYCROFT: Irene Adler is no longer any concern of yours. From now on, you will stay out of this.
SHERLOCK: Oh, will I?
MYCROFT: Yes, Sherlock. You will. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a long and arduous apology to make to a very old friend.
SHERLOCK: Do give her my love.
(PLAYING GOD SAVE THE QUEEN / WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS)
MRS HUDSON: Lovely, Sherlock. That was lovely.
JOHN: Mmm, marvellous.
DI LESTRADE: That was very good.
MRS HUDSON: I wish you could have worn the antlers.
SHERLOCK: Some things are best left to the imagination, Mrs Hudson.
JOHN: Mrs H.
SHERLOCK: Oh, no thank you Sarah.
JOHN: Er, no, no, no, no, no, he’s not good with names.
SHERLOCK: No, no, no, I can get this. No, Sarah was the doctor and then there was the one with the spots and then the one with the nose and then… Who was after the boring teacher?
SHERLOCK: Jeanette! Ah, process of elimination. Oh, dear Lord.
MOLLY: Hello, everyone. Sorry, hello. Uh, it said on the door just to, just come up.
ALL: Hello, Molly.
SHERLOCK: Everybody saying hello to each other, how wonderful!
JOHN: Let me er… Holy Mary!
DI LESTRADE: Wow!
MOLLY: So we’re having a Christmas drinkies, then?
SHERLOCK: No stopping them, apparently.
MRS HUDSON: It’s the one day of the year where the boys have to be nice with me so it’s almost worth it.
SHERLOCK: John? The counter on your blog…
DI LESTRADE: Molly, want a drink?
SHERLOCK: It still says 1,895.
JOHN: Oh no, Christmas is cancelled.
SHERLOCK: And you’ve got a photograph of me wearing that hat!
JOHN: People like the hat.
SHERLOCK: No, they don’t. What people?
MOLLY: How’s the hip?
MRS HUDSON: Oh, it’s atrocious but thanks for asking.
MOLLY: I’ve seen much worse, but then I do post-mortems. Oh, God, sorry.
SHERLOCK: Don’t make jokes, Molly.
MOLLY: No, sorry.
DI LESTRADE: Here you are.
MOLLY: Thank you. I wasn’t expecting to see you. I thought you’re going to be in Dorset for Christmas?
DI LESTRADE: That’s first thing in the morning, me and the wife, we’re back together, it’s all sorted.
SHERLOCK: No, she’s sleeping with a PE teacher.
MOLLY: And John, I hear you’re off to your sisters, is that right?
MOLLY: Sherlock was complaining. Saying.
JOHN: First time ever, she’s cleaned-up her act, she’s off the booze.
JOHN: Shut up, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: I see you’ve got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you’re quite serious about him.
MOLLY: What? Sorry, what?
SHERLOCK: In fact, you’re seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.
JOHN: Take a day off.
DI LESTRADE: Shut up and have a drink.
SHERLOCK: Oh, come on, surely you’ve all seen the present at the top of the bag. Perfectly wrapped with a bow. All others are slapdash at best. It’s for someone special, then. The shade of red echoes her lipstick, either an unconscious association or one that she’s deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has love on her mind. The fact that she’s serious about him is clear from the fact she’s giving him a gift at all. That always suggests long-term hopes, however forlorn, and that she’s seeing him tonight is evident from her make-up and what she’s wearing. Obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts…
MOLLY: You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always.
SHERLOCK: I am sorry. Forgive me. Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.
MOLLY: Oh, no! That wasn’t… I didn’t…
SHERLOCK: No, it was me.
DI LESTRADE: My God, really?
SHERLOCK: My phone.
SEHRLOCK: Sorry, what?
JOHN: Fifty-seven of those texts, the ones I’ve heard.
(TEXT MESSAGE) Mantelpiece
SHERLOCK: Thrilling that you’ve been counting. Excuse me.
JOHN: Wh..what’s up, Sherlock?
SHERLOCK: I said excuse me.
JOHN: Do you ever reply?
MYCROFT: (ON PHONE) Oh dear Lord, we’re not going to have Christmas phone calls now, are we? Have they passed a new law?
SHERLOCK: I think you’re going to find Irene Adler tonight.
MYCROFT: We already know where she is. As you were kind enough to point out, it hardly matters.
SHERLOCK: No, I mean you’re going to find her dead.
JOHN: You OK?
MYCROFT: The only one who fitted the description. Had her brought her here, your home from home.
SHERLOCK: You didn’t need to come in, Molly.
MOLLY: It’s OK, everyone else was busy with…Christmas. The face is a bit sort of bashed-up, so it might be a bit difficult.
MYCROFT: That’s her, isn’t it?
SHERLOCK: Show me the rest of her. That’s her.
MYCROFT: Thank you, Miss Hooper.
MOLLY: Who is she? How did Sherlock recognise her from not her face?
MYCROFT: Just the one.
MYCROFT: Merry Christmas.
SHERLOCK: Smoking indoors, isn’t one of those… one of those law things?
MYCROFT: We’re in a morgue. There’s only so much damage you can do. How did you know she was dead?
SHERLOCK: She had an item in her possession, one she said her life depended on. She chose to give it up.
MYCROFT: Where is this item now?
SHERLOCK: Look at them, they all care so much. Do you ever wonder if there’s something wrong with us?
MYCROFT: All lives end, all hearts are broken. Caring is not an advantage, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: This is low tar.
MYCROFT: Well, you barely knew her.
SHERLOCK: Huh. Merry Christmas, Mycroft.
MYCROFT: And a Happy New Year. (ON PHONE) He’s on his way. Have you found anything?
JOHN: No. Did he take the cigarette?
JOHN: Shit! He’s coming, ten minutes.
MRS HUDSON: There’s nothing in the bedroom.
JOHN: Well, it looks like he’s clean. We’ve tried all the usual places. Are you sure tonight’s a danger night?
MYCROFT: No, but then I never am. You have to stay with him, John.
JOHN: I’ve got plans.
JOHN: Mycroft… I am really sorry.
JEANETTE: You know my friends are so wrong about you.
JEANETTE: You’re a great boyfriend.
JOHN: OK, that’s good. I mean, I always thought I was great…
JEANETTE: And Sherlock Holmes is a very lucky man.
JOHN: Oh, Jeanette, please.
JEANETTE: No, I mean it. It’s heart-warming. You’ll do anything for him. And he can’t even tell your girlfriends apart!
JOHN: No, I’ll do anything for you, just tell me what it is I’m not doing, tell me!
JEANETTE: Don’t make me compete with Sherlock Holmes!
JOHN: I’ll walk your dog for you. There, I’ve said it now, I’ll even walk your dog.
JEANETTE: I don’t have a dog!
JOHN: No, because that was the last one. OK.
JOHN: I’ll call you.
MRS HUDSON: That wasn’t very good, was it?
JOHN: Oh, hi. You OK?
SHERLOCK: Hope you didn’t mess up with my sock index this time.
MRS HUDSON: Lovely tune, Sherlock. Haven’t heard that one before.
JOHN: You composing?
SHERLOCK: Helps me to think.
JOHN: What are you thinking about?
SHERLOCK: The count on your blog is still stuck at 1,895.
JOHN: Yes. Faulty, can’t seem to fix it.
SHERLOCK: Faulty or you’ve been hacked and it’s a message. Just faulty.
JOHN: Right. Right. Well, I’m going out for a bit.
JOHN: Listen, has he ever had any kind of girlfriend, boyfriend, a relationship, ever?
MRS HUDSON: I don’t know.
JOHN: How can we not know?
MRS HUDSON: He’s Sherlock. How will we ever know what goes on in that funny old head?
JOHN: Right. See you.
JOHN: Yeah? Hello. Hello.
WOMAN: So, any plans for a New Year tonight?
JOHN: Um, uh, nothing fixed. Nothing I couldn’t heartlessly abandon. You have any ideas?
JOHN: You know, Mycroft could just phone me, if he didn’t have this bloody stupid power complex.
JOHN: Couldn’t we just go to a cafe? Sherlock doesn’t follow me everywhere.
WOMAN: Through there. (ON PHONE) He’s on his way. You were right, he thinks it’s Mycroft.
JOHN: He’s writing sad music. Doesn’t eat. Barely talks, only to correct the television. I’d say he was heartbroken but, uh, well, he’s Sherlock. He does all that anyway…
I.ADLER: Hello, Dr Watson.
JOHN: Tell him you’re alive.
I.ADLER: He’d come after me.
JOHN: I’ll come after if you don’t.
I.ADLER: Hmm, I believe you.
JOHN: You were dead on a slab. It was definitely you.
I.ADLER: DNA tests are only as good as the records you keep.
JOHN: Oh, and I bet you know the record-keeper.
I.ADLER: I know what he likes. And I needed to disappear.
JOHN: Then how come I can see you and I don’t even want to?
I.ADLER: Look, I made a mistake. I sent something to Sherlock for safekeeping and now I need it back, so I need your help.
I.ADLER: It’s for his own safety.
JOHN: So is this. Tell him you’re alive.
I.ADLER: I can’t.
JOHN: Fine, I’ll tell him and I still won’t help you.
I.ADLER: What do I say?
JOHN: What do you normally say? You’ve texted him a lot!
I.ADLER: Just the usual stuff.
JOHN: There’s no usual in this case.
I.ADLER: “Good morning. I like your funny hat. I’m sad tonight, let’s have dinner. Hmm, you look sexy on Crimewatch, let’s have dinner. I’m not hungry. Let’s have dinner.”
JOHN: You flirted with Sherlock Holmes?
I.ADLER: At him. He never replies.
JOHN: No, Sherlock always replies, to everything. He’s Mr Punchline. He will outlive God trying to have the last word.
I.ADLER: Does that make me special?
JOHN: I don’t know. Maybe.
I.ADLER: Are you jealous?
JOHN: We’re not a couple.
I.ADLER: Yes, you are. There. “I’m not dead. Let’s have dinner.”
JOHN: Who the hell knows about Sherlock Holmes, but for the record, if anyone out there still cares, I’m not actually gay.
I.ADLER: Well, I am. Look at us both. (WOMAN MOANS) I don’t think so, do you?
221B BAKER STREET
MRS HUDSON: Oh, Sherlock. Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: Don’t snivel, Mrs Hudson, it’ll do nothing to impede the flight of a bullet. What a tender world that would be.
MRS HUDSON: Oh, please, sorry, Sherlock.
AMERICAN: I believe you have something that we want, Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Then why don’t you ask for it?
AMERICAN: Oh, I’ve been asking this one, she doesn’t seem to know anything. But you know what I’m asking for, don’t you, Mr Holmes?
Skull/ Carotid Artery/ eyes/ Artery/ Ribs/ Lungs
SHERLOCK: I believe I do.
MRS HUDSON: Please help.
SHERLOCK: First get rid of your boys.
SHERLOCK: I dislike being outnumbered, it makes for too much stupid in the room.
AMERICAN: You two, go to the car.
SHERLOCK : Then get into the car and drive away. Don’t try to trick me, you know who I am, it doesn’t work. Next, you can stop pointing that gun at me.
AMERICAN: So you can point a gun at me?
SHERLOCK: I’m unarmed.
AMERICAN: Mind if I check?
SHERLOCK: Oh, I insist.
MRS HUDSON: Don’t do anything…
SHERLOCK: (KNOCKING HIM OUT) Moron.
MRS HUDSON: Oh, thank you.
SHERLOCK: You’re all right now, you’re all right.
MRS HUDSON: Yes. Yes. Oh.
(NOTE ON DOOR) “CRIME IN PROGRESS PLEASE DISTURB”
JOHN: What’s going on? Jesus, what the hell is happening?
SHERLOCK: Mrs Hudson has been attacked by an American, I’m restoring balance to the universe.
JOHN: Oh, Mrs Hudson, my God, are you all right? Jesus, what have they done to you?
MRS HUDSON: Oh, I’m just being so silly.
SHERLOCK: Downstairs, take her downstairs and look after her.
JOHN: It’s all right. It’s all right now, I’ll have a look at that.
MRS HUDSON: I’m fine, I’m fine.
JOHN: Are you going to tell me what’s going on?
SHERLOCK: I expect so, now go. (ON PHONE) Lestrade? We’ve had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no, no, no, no, we’re fine. No, it’s the, uh, it’s the burglar, he’s got himself rather badly injured. Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung. He fell out of a window.
MRS HUDSON: Oh, it stings.
MRS HUDSON: Oh, that was right on my bins.
DI LESTRADE: And exactly how many times did he fall out of the window?
SHERLOCK: It’s all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.
JOHN: She’ll have to sleep upstairs in our flat tonight. We need to look after her.
MRS HUDSON: No.
SHERLOCK: She’s fine.
JOHN: No, she’s not, look at her. She’s got to take some time away from Baker Street. She can go and stay with her sister. Doctor’s orders.
SHERLOCK: Don’t be absurd.
JOHN: She’s in shock, for God’s sake, and all over some bloody stupid camera-phone. Where is it anyway?
SHERLOCK: Safest place I know.
MRS HUDSON: You left it in the pocket of your second-best dressing gown, you clot! I managed to sneak it out when they thought I was having a cry.
SHERLOCK: Thank you. Shame on you, John Watson.
JOHN: Shame on me?
SHERLOCK: Mrs Hudson leave Baker Street? England would fall.
JOHN: Where is it now?
SHERLOCK: Where no one will look.
JOHN: Whatever’s on that phone is more than just pictures.
SHERLOCK: Yes, it is.
JOHN: So, she’s alive, then. How are we feeling about that?
SHERLOCK: Happy New Year, John.
JOHN: Do you think you’ll be seeing her again?
(PLAYING AULD LANG SYNE)
(TEXT MESSAGE) Happy New Year SH
MOLLY: Is that a phone?
SHERLOCK: It’s a camera phone.
MOLLY: And you’re x-raying it?
SHERLOCK: Yes, I am.
MOLLY: Who’s phone is it?
SHERLOCK: A woman’s.
MOLLY: Your girlfriend?
SHERLOCK: You think she’s my girlfriend because I’m x-raying her possessions?
MOLLY: Well, we all do silly things.
SHERLOCK: Yes. They do, don’t they? Very silly. She sent this to my address. And she loves to play games.
MOLLY: She does?
221B BAKER STREET
JOHN: Hey, Sherlock.
SHERLOCK: We have a client.
JOHN: What, in your bedroom? Oh.
SHERLOCK: So who’s after you?
I.ADLER: People who want to kill me.
SHERLOCK: Who’s that?
JOHN: It would help if you were a tiny bit more specific.
SHERLOCK: So you faked your own death in order to get ahead of them?
I.ADLER: It worked for a while.
SHERLOCK: Except you let John know that you’re alive and therefore me.
I.ADLER: I knew you’d keep my secret.
SHERLOCK: You couldn’t.
I.ADLER: But you did, didn’t you? Where’s my camera-phone?
JOHN: It’s not here. We’re not stupid.
I.ADLER: Then what have you done with it? If they’ve guessed you’ve got it, they’ll be watching you.
SHERLOCK: If they’ve been watching me, they’ll know that I took a safety deposit box at a bank on the Strand a few months ago.
I.ADLER: I need it.
JOHN: Well, we can’t just go and get it, can we? Molly Hooper. She could collect it and take it to Barts. Then one of your homeless network could bring it here, leave it in the cafe and one of the boys downstairs could bring it up the back.
SHERLOCK: Very good, John, excellent plan, full of intelligent precautions.
JOHN: Thank you. So, why don’t I phone… Oh.
SHERLOCK: So, what do you keep on here? In general, I mean?
I.ADLER: Pictures, information, anything I might find useful.
JOHN: For blackmail?
I.ADLER: For protection. I make my way in the world, I misbehave. I like to know people will be on my side exactly when I need them to be.
SHERLOCK: So how do you acquire this information?
I.ADLER: I told you. I misbehave.
SHERLOCK: But you’ve acquired something that’s more danger than protection. Do you know what it is?
I.ADLER: Yes. But I don’t understand it.
SHERLOCK: I assumed. Show me. The passcode.
I.ADLER: It’s not working.
SHERLOCK: No, because it’s a duplicate that I had made into which you’ve just entered the numbers 1058. I assumed you’d choose something more specific than that, but thanks anyway.
I.ADLER: I told you that camera-phone was my life. I know when it’s in my hand.
SHERLOCK: Oh, you’re rather good.
I.ADLER: You’re not so bad.
JOHN: Hamish. John Hamish Watson, just if you were looking for baby names.
I.ADLER: There was a man, an MOD official and I knew what he liked. One of the things he liked was showing off. He told me this email was going to save the world. He didn’t know it, but I photographed it. He was a bit tied up at the time. It’s a bit small on that screen, can you read it?
007 Confirmed allocation
I.ADLER: Code, obviously. I had one of those best cryptographers in the country take a look at it, though he was mostly upside-down, as I recall. Couldn’t figure it out. What can you do, Mr Holmes? Go on, impress a girl.
SHERLOCK: There’s a margin for error, but I’m pretty sure there’s a 747 leaving Heathrow tomorrow at 6:30 in the evening for Baltimore. Apparently it’s going to save the world, I’m not sure how that could be true, but give me a moment, I’ve only been on the case for eight seconds. Oh, come on, it’s not code, these are seat allocations on a passenger jet. Look! There’s no letter I because it can be mistaken for a one. No letters past K, the width of the plane is the limit. The numbers always appear randomly and not in sequence, but the letters have little runs of sequence all over the place. Families and couples sitting together. Only a jumbo is wide enough to need a letter K or rows past 55, which is why there’s always an upstairs. There’s a row 13, which eliminates the more superstitious airlines. Then there’s the style of the flight number, 007, that eliminates a few more. And assuming the British point of origin, which would be logical, considering the original source of the information and assuming from the increased pressure on you lately that the crisis is imminent, the only flight that matches all the criteria and departs within the week is the 6:30 to Baltimore tomorrow evening from Heathrow airport. Please don’t feel obliged to tell me that was remarkable or amazing. John’s expressed that thought in every possible variant available to the English language.
I.ADLER: I would have you right here, on this desk, until you begged for mercy twice.
SHERLOCK: John, please can you check those flight schedules, see if I’m right?
JOHN: Yeah, I’m on it, yeah.
SHERLOCK: I never begged for mercy in my life.
JOHN: Uh, yeah, you were right, flight 007.
SHERLOCK: What did you say?
JOHN: You’re right.
SHERLOCK: No, no, after that, what did you say after that?
JOHN: 007. Flight 007.
SHERLOCK : 007, 007, 007, 007. Something. Something 007, 007. What?
(TEXT MESSAGE) 747 TOMORROW 6:30PM HEATHROW
(TEXT MESSAGE) Jumbo Jet. Dear me Mr Holmes, dear me.
I.ADLER: I’ve never been. Is it nice?
SHERLOCK: Where’s John?
I.ADLER: He went out, a couple of hours ago.
SHERLOCK: I was just talking to him.
I.ADLER: He said you do that. What’s Coventry got to do with anything?
SHERLOCK: It’s a story. Probably not true. In the Second World War, the Allies knew that Coventry was going to get bombed because they’d broken the German code but they didn’t want the Germans to know that they’d broken the code so they let it happen anyway.
I.ADLER: Have you ever had anyone?
SHERLOCK: I’m sorry?
I.ADLER: And when I say had, I’m being indelicate.
SHERLOCK: I don’t understand.
I.ADLER: I’ll be delicate, then. Let’s have dinner.
I.ADLER: You might be hungry.
SHERLOCK: I’m not.
SHERLOCK: Why would I want to have dinner if I wasn’t hungry?
I.ADLER: Mr Holmes, if it was the end of the world, if this was the very last night, would you have dinner with me?
MRS HUDSON: Sherlock?
I.ADLER: Too late.
SHERLOCK: That’s not the end of the world, that’s Mrs Hudson.
MRS HUDSON: Sherlock, this man was at the door, is the bell still not working? He shot it.
SHERLOCK: Have you come to take me away again?
MAN1: Yes, Mr Holmes.
SHERLOCK: Well, I decline.
MAN1: I don’t think you do.
SHERLOCK: There’s going to be a bomb on a passenger jet. The British and American governments know about it, but rather that expose the source of their information, they’re going to let it happen. The plane will blow up. Coventry all over again. The wheel turns, nothing is ever new.
SHERLOCK: Well, you’re looking all better. How are you feeling?
AMERICAN: Like putting a bullet in your brain, sir. They’d pin a medal on me if I did, sir.
MYCROFT: The Coventry conundrum. What do you think of my solution? The flight of the dead.
SHERLOCK: The plane blows up midair, mission accomplished for the terrorists, hundreds of casualties but nobody dies.
MYCROFT: Neat, don’t you think? You’ve been stumbling around the fringes of this one for ages. Or were you too bored to notice the pattern? We ran a similar project with the Germans a while back, though I believe one of our passengers didn’t make the flight. But that’s the deceased for you, late in every sense of the word.
SHERLOCK: How’s the plane going to fly? Oh, of course, unmanned aircraft, hardly new.
MYCROFT: It doesn’t fly. It will never fly. The entire project is cancelled. The terrorist cells have been informed that we know about the bomb. We can’t fool them now. We’ve lost everything. One fragment of one email and months and years of planning, finished.
SHERLOCK: Your MOD man.
MYCROFT: That’s all it takes. One lonely naive man, desperate to show off, and a woman clever enough to make him feel special.
SHERLOCK: You should screen your defence people more carefully.
MYCROFT: I’m not talking about the MOD man, Sherlock, I’m talking about you! A damsel in distress. In the end, are you really so obvious? Because this was textbook. The promise of love, the pain of loss, the joy of redemption. Then give him a puzzle and watch him dance.
SHERLOCK: Don’t be absurd.
MYCROFT: Absurd? How quickly did you decipher that email for her? Was it the full minute? Or were you really eager to impress?
I.ADLER: I think it was less than five seconds.
MYCROFT: I drove you into her path. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.
I.ADLER: Mr Holmes, I think we need to talk.
SHERLOCK: So do I. There are a number of aspects I’m still not quite clear on.
I.ADLER: Not you, junior, you’re done now. There’s more, loads more. On this phone I’ve got secrets and pictures and scandals that could topple your whole world. You have no idea how much havoc I can cause and exactly one way to stop me. Unless you want to tell your masters that your biggest security leak is your own little brother.
MYCROFT: We have people who can get into this.
I.ADLER: I tested that theory for you. I let Sherlock Holmes try it for six months. Sherlock, dear, tell him what you found when you x-rayed my camera-phone.
SHERLOCK: There are four additional units wired inside the casing. I suspect containing acid or a small amount of explosive. Any attempt to open the casing will burn the hard drive.
I.ADLER: Explosive. It’s more me.
MYCROFT: Some data is always recoverable.
I.ADLER: Take that risk.
MYCROFT: You have a passcode to open this. I deeply regret to say we have people who can extract it from you.
SHERLOCK: There’ll be two passcodes, one to open the phone, one to burn the drive. Even under duress, you can’t know which one she’s given you and there would be no point in a second attempt.
I.ADLER: He’s good, isn’t he? I should have him on a leash. In fact, I might.
MYCROFT: We destroy this, them. No one has the information.
I.ADLER: Fine. Good idea. Unless there are lives of British citizens depending on the information you’re about to burn.
MYCROFT: Are there?
I.ADLER: Telling you would be playing fair. I’m not playing any more. A list of my requests, and some ideas about my protection once they’re granted. I’d say it wouldn’t blow much of a hole in the wealth of a nation, but then I’d be lying. I imagine you’d like to sleep on it?
MYCROFT: Thank you, yes.
I.ADLER: Too bad. Off you pop and talk to people.
MYCROFT: You’ve been very thorough. I wish our lot were as half as good as you.
I.ADLER: I can’t take all the credit, I had a bit of help. Oh, Jim Moriarty sends his love.
MYCROFT: Yes, he’s been in touch. Seems desperate for my attention, which I’m sure can be arranged.
I.ADLER: I had all this stuff, never knew what to do with it. Thank God for the consultant criminal. Gave me a lot of advice about how to play the Holmes boys. Do you know what he calls you? The Ice Man. And the Virgin. Didn’t even ask for anything, I think he just likes to cause trouble. Now that’s my kind of man.
MYCROFT: And here you are, the dominatrix who brought a nation to its knees. Nicely played.
SHERLOCK: I said no. Very, very close, but no. You got carried away. The game was too elaborate, you were enjoying yourself too much.
I.ADLER: There’s no such thing as too much.
SHERLOCK: Oh, enjoying the thrill of the chase is fine. Craving the distraction of the game, I sympathise entirely, but sentiment? Sentiment is a chemical defect found in the losing side.
I.ADLER: Sentiment? What are you talking about?
I.ADLER: Oh, dear God. Look at the poor man. You don’t actually think I was interested in you? Why? Because you’re the great Sherlock Holmes, the clever detective in the funny hat?
SHERLOCK: No. Because I took your pulse. Elevated. Your pupils dilated. I imagine John Watson thinks love is a mystery to me but the chemistry is incredibly simple and very destructive. When we first met, you told me that disguise is always a self-portrait. How true of you. The combination to your safe, your measurements, but this, this is far more intimate. This is your heart and you should never let it rule your head. You could have chosen any random number and walked out of here today with everything you’ve worked for. But you just couldn’t resist it, could you? I’ve always assumed that love is a dangerous disadvantage. Thank you for the final proof.
I.ADLER: Everything I said, it’s not real. I was just playing the game.
SHERLOCK: I know. And this is just losing. There you are brother. I hope the contents make up for any inconvenience I may have caused you tonight.
MYCROFT: I’m certain they will.
SHERLOCK: If you’re feeling kind, lock her up, otherwise let her go. I doubt she’ll survive long without her “protection”.
I.ADLER: Are you expecting me to beg?
I.ADLER: Please. You’re right. I won’t even last six months.
SHERLOCK: Sorry about dinner.
SPEEDY’S SANDWICH BAR & CAFE
JOHN: You don’t smoke.
MYCROFT: I also don’t frequent cafés.
JOHN: It’s the file on Irene Adler?
MYCROFT: Closed forever. I am about to go and inform my brother, or, if you prefer, you are, that she somehow got herself into a Witness Protection scheme in America. New name, new identity. She will survive and thrive, but he will never see her again.
JOHN: Why would he care? He despised her at the end. Won’t even mention her by name, just The Woman.
MYCROFT: Is that loathing or a salute? One of a kind, the one woman who matters?
JOHN: He’s not like that. He doesn’t feel things that way. I don’t think.
MYCROFT: My brother has the brain of a scientist or a philosopher, yet he elects to be a detective. What might we deduce about his heart?
JOHN: I don’t know.
MYCROFT: Neither do I. But initially he wanted to be a pirate.
JOHN: He’ll be OK with this, Witness Protection, never seeing her again, he’ll be fine.
MYCROFT: I agree. That’s why I decided to tell him that.
JOHN: Instead of what?
MYCROFT: She’s dead. She was captured by a terrorist cell in Karachi two months ago and beheaded.
JOHN: It was definitely her? She’s done this before.
MYCROFT: I was thorough this time. It would take Sherlock Holmes to fool me, and I don’t think he was on hand, do you? So… What shall we tell Sherlock?
221B BAKER STREET
SHERLOCK: Clearly you’ve got news. If it’s about the Leeds triple murder, it was the gardener. Did nobody notice the earring?
JOHN: Hi. Uh, no, it’s um… It’s about Irene Adler.
SHERLOCK: Well? Has something happened? Has she come back?
JOHN: No, no, she’s… I just bumped into Mycroft downstairs, he had to take a call.
SHERLOCK: Is she back in London?
JOHN: No. She’s uh… She’s in America.
JOHN: Mmm-hmm. Got herself on a Witness Protection scheme, apparently. I don’t know how she swung it but, uh… well, you know.
SHERLOCK: I know what?
JOHN: Well, you won’t be able to see her again.
SHERLOCK: Why would I want to see her again?
JOHN: Didn’t say you did.
SHERLOCK: Is that her file?
JOHN: Yes, I was just going to take it back to Mycroft. Do you want to…
JOHN: Hmm. Listen, actually…
SHERLOCK: No, but I will have the camera-phone, though.
JOHN: There’s nothing on it any more. It’s been stripped.
SHERLOCK: I know but I… I’ll still have it.
JOHN: I’ve got to get this back to Mycroft. You can’t keep it. Sherlock, I have to give this to Mycroft, it’s the government’s now. I couldn’t…
SHERLOCK: Please. Thank you.
JOHN: Well, I’d better take this back.
JOHN: Did she ever text you again after all that?
SHERLOCK: Once, few months ago.
JOHN: What did she say?
SHERLOCK: “Goodbye, Mr Holmes.”
SHERLOCK: When I say run, run.
221B BAKER STREET
SHERLOCK: The Woman. The Woman.
"Sophie's Study in SHERLOCK"